Hollywood has come calling.

I've been asked to write the treatise for a new version of War of The Worlds for some bigshot Hollywood types. Looks like they like it.




War of the Worlds – The Martian Version.


Opening Shot, a Martian woman is running her three little legs off trying to get to the huge gun in the distance. We can hear her shouting 'Keith! Keith!' The gun goes off and she screams 'noooooo!' and falls to the floor, something falls from her hand.

FADE THROUGH TO CYLINDER INTERIOR.

KEITH is talking with TERRY and KEV about their visit to EARTH. They feel sorry for Earthlings as they are unaware that blue planets are massively out of fashion this millenia and have helpfully brought lots of red weed as red is where it's at fashion-wise in planets. KEITH is also excited about buying some property. On the back wall of the cylinder control pod is a picture of our hero (KEITH) killing a Mumon, Mars most fearsome creature. A Mumon looks uncannily like a human being. During KEITH'S conversation with KEV and TERRY we find out that a Mumon always raises the protective carapace on its head before attacking. Oh no, it looks like there could be a massive misunderstanding. (CLUE, THERE IS GOING TO BE A MASSIVE IS MISUNDERSTANDING).

(Frank, I like this, it's subtle, this is a clever guy, right? Can we get Tom Cruise in somewhere? He won't wear a suit or anything that covers his face, remember that. Plus, that lifting the head on the mumon thing, we can work that into a nintendro game or some shit. Do you still have that hot secretary? Is she single? Does she want to work in movies? You know what I mean.)

THEY LAND.

KEITH, KEV and TERRY are terrified when they look out of their periscope and find they are surrounded by small Mumons. They are just about to turn around and go home when the head Mumon steps forward and raises his carapace (hat). Left with no choice but to defend themselves, the Martians then do their best to save this planet from the Mumon scourge. (Lots of fighting here.) Poignant scene where KEITH's brother-in-law BARRY is killed by the HMS THUNDERCHILD. Realising these Mumon have mastered technology KEITH knows no Martian will be safe until they are wiped out. TERRY asks KEITH if they brought any lemsip.

(Frank, maybe it's the coke speaking but I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIT! We can put in a 15 minute montage of Tom Cruise running away from Martians here. I like this writer, does he have a wife? Can you find out if she's hot?)

Just as it seems the Mumon menace is about to be smashed, all the Martians become ill. KEITH falls to the floor trying to make it to the medicine cabinet. His last words are 'Rosebud'. Fade back to the opening scene just as the female Martian falls to the floor sobbing. Camera zooms in on what she dropped. It's a bottle of anti-biotics. We realise Rosebud was his wife.


(Frank, not sure how this downbeat end will go with audiences. We'll add in the Cruiser punching a Martian to death and then finding his long lost son and wife. Anyway, yeah, we'll go with this it'll KILL in 3D, by the way, how's your wife?
Is it too soon for me to be asking that?)

A pome.

Ode to the Anchovy.

Oh Anchovy!
The way you look at me
So Salty
You taste of the sea.
Some may groan
And complain of small bones

The fools

Not alone
You lay prone
Under the grill heater
And nothing could be neater
Or sweeter
Than to end on pizza.

I sort out SF films.

I've read a lot of things online about what is the best SF film ever, it's all quite interesting even though it's a little misguided.

However, I think I can put this to bed once and for all. The best SF movie ever is a simple question with an overwhelmingly obvious answer; 'Wild Wild West' with Will Smith. It has something for everyone. Like Verne, Wells etc? Then enjoy a huge steam powered robo-spider. Like high quality acting? Witness multi award winning Ken Branagh's subtle portrayal of Dr Arliss Loveless (who also ticks the manga box with his robotic sex ability). And if you like sciencey science then there's some highly realistic inventions* such as the flying about magnetic disc things which are absolutely definitely the sort of thing that could probably exist.

Let's not forget that 'Wild Wild West' also acronomises to WWW which foresees the coming of the internet which may or may not have existed when the film came out or something.  And finally, it has BY FAR the best theme tune of any SF ever.

As this is a serious thing I thought I should set out the criteria we are judging by before we start. This will ensure that we we are all on the same page and looking out of the right box at our message.  Also, we need to ensure these criteria correctly encompass SF filmaking as a whole to make it a fair comparison. So...

1) High quality acting, a la Branagh.
2) Believable technology such as magnetic disks that fly around for ages and turn corners with no appreciable means of propulsion.
3) Giant robotic spiders.
4) Robot sex overtones.
5) Pun-based central character names. (i.e. He's called 'Jim West' and he's in the 'Wild West'. Very clever.)
6) Can the theme tune be turned into a high quality yet amusing rap style tune by adding, 'wiki wa wa' on to part or all of the title.

Ten points will be available for each criteria. So, without further ado, let's get on with some comparisons.


ALIEN.

1. High Quality acting.

It's all a bit downbeat to be honest and the bad guy doesn't even talk. 2/10

2. Technology.

It's a factory in space. I should imagine they could do that but what it has in realism it makes up for with dullness. The factory doesn't even have legs. A wasted opportunity. 7/10

3. Giant robotic spiders.

Nary a one. 0/10

4. Robot sex.

There is no robot sex at all in this film, unless I'm missing some really obvious metaphor that's repeated time and time again throughout the film. 0/10

5. Pun based character names.

Fail.

6. Rapability.

Wiki wa wa Alien. Not happening really, is it? 0/10



STAR WARS.

1. High Quality Acting.

Peter Cushing is a good actor but he's rather subdued in this compared to some of his Hammer stuff. A bit of a disappointment. 3/10

2. Technology

To be quite frank, if the future doesn't contain moon sized planet destroying space stations I don't want to live in it. Also, a quick online search shows that you can get blueprints for a TIE fighter so yes, it's pretty much real. 10/10

3. Giant Robotic Spiders.

Well, I suppose they had a go later in the trilogy with the AT-AT but it's basically a giant robot dog. DOGS AREN'T SCARY GEORGE! 1/10

4. Robot Sex.

This is theoretically possible but as Darth isn't followed around by scantily clad storm troopettes I reckon the dark side of the Force has some 'down' sides, if you know what I mean. 0/10

5. Pun based character names.

It sounds like they should all be funny but none of them are. Very disappointing. 0/10


6. Rapability.

Are you kidding? Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope. Not happening. 0/10


2001: A Space Odyssey.

1. High Quality Acting.

This films starts off promisingly with monkeys but then becomes quite worthy and dull. The computer is the bad guy, right? But then the man turns into a baby, who does that to him? Is there some sort of baby-turning-people-into ray? Who has that? Why do we never see them? Is it one of the monkeys? Is it that black oblong? WTF? 0/10

2. Technology.

Everything plays the Blue Danube. Is that realistic? that the future is mostly about hold music? No, of course not. Everyone knows the future is soundtracked by Vangelis. 0/10

3. Giant Robotic Spiders.

Not a chance.

4. Robot Sex.

Hello, Dave. What are you wearing, Dave? Describe it to me. 0/10

5. Pun Based Character names.

I don't think a sense of humour is particularly welcome here. 0/10

6. Rapability.

Wiki wa wa no. 0/10



THE SCORES.

Alien - 9/60
Star Wars – 14/60
2001 - 0/60
Wild Wild West. 60/60.


Case Closed.




*Disclaimer, I am not a scientist.

Passing thought

Hope.

Lifting my son high
Tiny fingers strive for the light
A metaphor - such crushing force
I have to sit, compose myself.

More Movember.

I failed at moustache on day 3. Sorry about that. Y'see I thought I could probably hide a Ron Meal type Demi-Hitler from Mrs RJ but it turned out they were harder to shave in than I thought.

Anyway, looking through the previously published stuff for more things to stick up here. There's a sequel to the Halloween story I put up if anyone's interested. It also got a hon mention in the YBF&H and I think it's a better bit of writing to be honest (though still barking). Will try and dig it out.

Toodle pip chums.

Movember (don't tell the wife)

One of the reasons, my beloved and lovely wife married me is because I look like a girl. I have long, flowing locks, snaky hips and skinny legs. I'm the sort of chap that regularly gets called Miss and on a number of memorable occasions I've sent the type of men who like to 'brush up' against women home doubting their sexuality.
I even, in the words of the immortal Tom Baker, have 'women's hands' (leading to a strange occurrence where a "pyschic medium" told me I was the sort of young lady who would be getting married soon).
Now, I have always wanted a moustache, the twizzled type that adds an air of raffish nefariousness to the wearer. Obviously, my beloved isn't in favour of this as it cuts down on my girliness. There's also the fact that I'm pretty hopeless at facial hair and end up looking like a thirteen year old trying to con his way into a nightclub. She's not a fan of that look either.
Not even Movember and the thought of 'charidee' could sway my beloved on the moustache thing.
However, I have decided to try for a 'stealth moustache'. For every day I get away with it I will donate one English pound to charity. It'd be quite nice if you did the same (why not commit in the comments?). The odds of you having to donate over a tenner are pretty low as this experiment ends the minute she asks me to shave it off. But here's hoping, maybe this year I will get my nefarious twirly 'tache.

Currently, we are on day three. you can follow more regular updates on Twitter @dedbutdrmng


P.S. Here is the Movember site if you want to do something official. - http://uk.movember.com/