Thursday, 31 March 2011

Take my book, please, take my book...

As I am on the final chapter of 'Felt's Theorem' I thought I would relax(?) by polishing my query letter. However, I quickly got bored of that and decided instead to attempt to write the Worst Ever Query Letter. So, here for your delectation is my attempt. Enjoy probably isn't the right word.

Dear Agent

I am writing to offer you the chance to agent my book which is called Vampire Awakenings part 2

I have noticed that you agent a lot fo other writers but I can assure you that none of them are as good as me even if they are dan brown (LOL!) but I will sel far more then even he has sold books

My first book Vampire Awkening Part one was published through publishamerica and although they made sure it was available all over the world and through borders and barnes and nobles I do not feel they are giving my talant the respect what it truly deserves and they do nto answer all my emails about not having a bank account even though they are all polite

my book is about a man (Alucard Lioncourt) who goes into the udnerworld and fights vampires except they are nto actually vampires they are demon vampires so obviously they are much ahrder to kill than normal vamppires. Also they are all women who are really hot and come up to town to have sex with men who they attrract with their breasts and then suck tehir blood and pull out all their guts but Alucard is also a vampire (but NOT a demon even though his brother is half demon) and he fights the head demon vampire but she falls in love with him and then they have to track down alucards brother who has fallen in love with the demon vampire womans friend (Carmen) and is trying to kill the president but they stop them and everything ends happily

I have included a stamped address envelope as I do not have a bank account and would prefer you to send me my money in cash

If you are unsure about whether this book si good or not then let me tell you that my friend jason said it was the ebst book he ahs ever read and he doesn't even like BOOKS!!!!!

I look forward to hearing from you

(I know, this probably isn't half as bad as what drops into the palms of real agents but I was bored.)


  1. ROFL

    Surely you've heard of Slush Pile Hell on Tumblr? Some of them are like that. :)

  2. I will have to check that out. :) Sometimes I think I live in a little bubble.

  3. Hee. I like this v much.

    BTW, I live in a bubble, too. A different one, obviously. The two of us in the same bubble would be very crowded and besides Lindy and Paul might become somewhat miffed.

  4. Ha! If you are about on the 6th of june, Foo, I have a six minute piece being performed at the West Yorkshire Playhouse. I will put details up, well, everywhere probably, nearer the time.

  5. Six minute? No, three minute. Plot. I am losing it.

  6. Oh, that was good! I started laughing at "My first book Vampire Awkening Part one was published through publishamerica" and didn't stop!

    I bet it was difficult to make yourself write that horribly, wasn't it?

  7. @Jalynnwrites It was easier than was comfortable...