Monday, 28 November 2011

Hollywood has come calling.

I've been asked to write the treatise for a new version of War of The Worlds for some bigshot Hollywood types. Looks like they like it.

War of the Worlds – The Martian Version.

Opening Shot, a Martian woman is running her three little legs off trying to get to the huge gun in the distance. We can hear her shouting 'Keith! Keith!' The gun goes off and she screams 'noooooo!' and falls to the floor, something falls from her hand.


KEITH is talking with TERRY and KEV about their visit to EARTH. They feel sorry for Earthlings as they are unaware that blue planets are massively out of fashion this millenia and have helpfully brought lots of red weed as red is where it's at fashion-wise in planets. KEITH is also excited about buying some property. On the back wall of the cylinder control pod is a picture of our hero (KEITH) killing a Mumon, Mars most fearsome creature. A Mumon looks uncannily like a human being. During KEITH'S conversation with KEV and TERRY we find out that a Mumon always raises the protective carapace on its head before attacking. Oh no, it looks like there could be a massive misunderstanding. (CLUE, THERE IS GOING TO BE A MASSIVE IS MISUNDERSTANDING).

(Frank, I like this, it's subtle, this is a clever guy, right? Can we get Tom Cruise in somewhere? He won't wear a suit or anything that covers his face, remember that. Plus, that lifting the head on the mumon thing, we can work that into a nintendro game or some shit. Do you still have that hot secretary? Is she single? Does she want to work in movies? You know what I mean.)


KEITH, KEV and TERRY are terrified when they look out of their periscope and find they are surrounded by small Mumons. They are just about to turn around and go home when the head Mumon steps forward and raises his carapace (hat). Left with no choice but to defend themselves, the Martians then do their best to save this planet from the Mumon scourge. (Lots of fighting here.) Poignant scene where KEITH's brother-in-law BARRY is killed by the HMS THUNDERCHILD. Realising these Mumon have mastered technology KEITH knows no Martian will be safe until they are wiped out. TERRY asks KEITH if they brought any lemsip.

(Frank, maybe it's the coke speaking but I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIT! We can put in a 15 minute montage of Tom Cruise running away from Martians here. I like this writer, does he have a wife? Can you find out if she's hot?)

Just as it seems the Mumon menace is about to be smashed, all the Martians become ill. KEITH falls to the floor trying to make it to the medicine cabinet. His last words are 'Rosebud'. Fade back to the opening scene just as the female Martian falls to the floor sobbing. Camera zooms in on what she dropped. It's a bottle of anti-biotics. We realise Rosebud was his wife.

(Frank, not sure how this downbeat end will go with audiences. We'll add in the Cruiser punching a Martian to death and then finding his long lost son and wife. Anyway, yeah, we'll go with this it'll KILL in 3D, by the way, how's your wife?
Is it too soon for me to be asking that?)


  1. Beautifully written. I can almost see the "Poignant scene where KEITH's brother-in-law BARRY is killed by the HMS THUNDERCHILD" IN MY VERY HEAD.

    But maybe that's the mushrooms talking.

  2. Don't forget to make them take an option on your poster in plenty of time for your debut at the Palm D'Or.