Sunday, 27 November 2011

I sort out SF films.

I've read a lot of things online about what is the best SF film ever, it's all quite interesting even though it's a little misguided.

However, I think I can put this to bed once and for all. The best SF movie ever is a simple question with an overwhelmingly obvious answer; 'Wild Wild West' with Will Smith. It has something for everyone. Like Verne, Wells etc? Then enjoy a huge steam powered robo-spider. Like high quality acting? Witness multi award winning Ken Branagh's subtle portrayal of Dr Arliss Loveless (who also ticks the manga box with his robotic sex ability). And if you like sciencey science then there's some highly realistic inventions* such as the flying about magnetic disc things which are absolutely definitely the sort of thing that could probably exist.

Let's not forget that 'Wild Wild West' also acronomises to WWW which foresees the coming of the internet which may or may not have existed when the film came out or something.  And finally, it has BY FAR the best theme tune of any SF ever.

As this is a serious thing I thought I should set out the criteria we are judging by before we start. This will ensure that we we are all on the same page and looking out of the right box at our message.  Also, we need to ensure these criteria correctly encompass SF filmaking as a whole to make it a fair comparison. So...

1) High quality acting, a la Branagh.
2) Believable technology such as magnetic disks that fly around for ages and turn corners with no appreciable means of propulsion.
3) Giant robotic spiders.
4) Robot sex overtones.
5) Pun-based central character names. (i.e. He's called 'Jim West' and he's in the 'Wild West'. Very clever.)
6) Can the theme tune be turned into a high quality yet amusing rap style tune by adding, 'wiki wa wa' on to part or all of the title.

Ten points will be available for each criteria. So, without further ado, let's get on with some comparisons.


1. High Quality acting.

It's all a bit downbeat to be honest and the bad guy doesn't even talk. 2/10

2. Technology.

It's a factory in space. I should imagine they could do that but what it has in realism it makes up for with dullness. The factory doesn't even have legs. A wasted opportunity. 7/10

3. Giant robotic spiders.

Nary a one. 0/10

4. Robot sex.

There is no robot sex at all in this film, unless I'm missing some really obvious metaphor that's repeated time and time again throughout the film. 0/10

5. Pun based character names.


6. Rapability.

Wiki wa wa Alien. Not happening really, is it? 0/10


1. High Quality Acting.

Peter Cushing is a good actor but he's rather subdued in this compared to some of his Hammer stuff. A bit of a disappointment. 3/10

2. Technology

To be quite frank, if the future doesn't contain moon sized planet destroying space stations I don't want to live in it. Also, a quick online search shows that you can get blueprints for a TIE fighter so yes, it's pretty much real. 10/10

3. Giant Robotic Spiders.

Well, I suppose they had a go later in the trilogy with the AT-AT but it's basically a giant robot dog. DOGS AREN'T SCARY GEORGE! 1/10

4. Robot Sex.

This is theoretically possible but as Darth isn't followed around by scantily clad storm troopettes I reckon the dark side of the Force has some 'down' sides, if you know what I mean. 0/10

5. Pun based character names.

It sounds like they should all be funny but none of them are. Very disappointing. 0/10

6. Rapability.

Are you kidding? Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope. Not happening. 0/10

2001: A Space Odyssey.

1. High Quality Acting.

This films starts off promisingly with monkeys but then becomes quite worthy and dull. The computer is the bad guy, right? But then the man turns into a baby, who does that to him? Is there some sort of baby-turning-people-into ray? Who has that? Why do we never see them? Is it one of the monkeys? Is it that black oblong? WTF? 0/10

2. Technology.

Everything plays the Blue Danube. Is that realistic? that the future is mostly about hold music? No, of course not. Everyone knows the future is soundtracked by Vangelis. 0/10

3. Giant Robotic Spiders.

Not a chance.

4. Robot Sex.

Hello, Dave. What are you wearing, Dave? Describe it to me. 0/10

5. Pun Based Character names.

I don't think a sense of humour is particularly welcome here. 0/10

6. Rapability.

Wiki wa wa no. 0/10


Alien - 9/60
Star Wars – 14/60
2001 - 0/60
Wild Wild West. 60/60.

Case Closed.

*Disclaimer, I am not a scientist.

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