I can't believe the BBC turned down my script for Mr Bloom's Nursery.
Mr Bloom's Nursery. A Script By RJ Barker.
RAYMOND GOES FOR A RUN
Colin the runner bean runs past the camera, he is closely followed by Raymond the Squash.
Colin: Runner bean.
Raymond: Don't run Colin, you know there's no escape from ripeness day.
Colin: Unripe bean!
Raymond: There's nothing to be frightened of, Kitchen is a beautiful place, come on Colin.
Colin: Frightened bean!
Colin is just about to come out to Raymond when he is shot from offscreen, Sebastian the singing aubergine appears.
C: Dead bean
S: Pah, runners, why do they do it do you think?
R: I don't know, what's this thing he's wearing? Picks it up Fruitarian society? What do you think that is, Sebastian?
S: I don't know, but didn't Joan the fennel have something similar-la-la-la-laaaa as a necklace?
R: Did she? I think I'll ask Mr Bloom. See you later Sebastian
Raymond goes to see Mr Bloom who is beside the compostarium preparing it for ripeness day.
R: Hello Mr Bloom.
MB: Hello Raymond, how can I help you?
R: Well we tracked down Colin when he ran away from ripeness day and shot him.
MB: You did? Ooh, tasty.
R: But he had this funny thing on him. Shows Mr Bloom the Fruitarian badge.
MB: Fruitarian eh? I don't like the sound of that much, do you?
R: Well, I'm not sure Mr Bloom.
MB: Tell you what, you take this gives him the fruitarian badge and you can run now and see if you can find out about it.
R: But it's not my ripeness day, Mr Bloom.
MB: I know that, and you know that, but if I say it's your ripeness day who'll know, eh?
R: I'm not sure, I...
MB: Hey everybody, Tiddlers gather round, Raymond is lovely and ripe!
Tiddlers: Yay! Kitchen! They chant Kitchen! Kitchen!
Raymond looks worried back away and then runs off. He bumps into Joan the fennel.
J: Raymond, whatever is the matter?
R: I'm ripe, I'm ripe but I'm not ready for it.
She sees the fruitarian badge
J: Don't you worry Raymond, I know just the place. You follow me.
Together they run from the nursery. Sinister music plays and Sebastian the singing Aubergine emerges form the shadows. He follows them