Being a stay at home Dad I watch an awful lot of CBeeBies. An awful lot. Sometimes it's more than you can bare but as there's a fashion for gritty reboots I thought I'd have a go.
Kelli Kitten is the new Octonaut and has sworn to avenge her father killed by pirates. Kelli and Kwasi swiftly become best friends but when Kwasi comes clean about his Pirate past he is forced to kill a vengeful Kelli. Overcome with remorse Kwasi throws himself into the ocean without his mask to drown. Meanwhile, Captain Barnacles and the Vegemals play with a mischievous Sea Urchin.
Lesson Learned. - You cannot run from responsibility. Sea Urchins are a type of mollusc.
Mike The Knight.
Mike butchers the Muslim prisoners. Realising this isn't honourable he volounteers to be first over the wall at the siege of Jerusalem. Squirt's leprosy gets worse and results in a hilarious search for his arm. Meanwhile, at home, Evie is burnt as witch.
Lesson learnt. Take responsibility for your actions.
I Can Cook with Gordon.
Danny (5) buckles under the pressure of a twenty cover service. Jasmine (6) falls off her stool while preparing pasta and suffers 35% burns. Gordon says a naughty word.
Lesson Learnt. Get your ars*s in gear, being a f**king child is no f**king excuse in this F**king economy you f**king cretin.
When Peter sees Mr Todd has eaten so much he says he can't eat another thing he thinks it's safe to leave the burrow door open. Mr Todd rushes into the burrow and massacres the entire family just because he can. (Last in series)
Lesson Learnt: Nature is red in tooth and claw.